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All posts for the month April, 2014

So Why Am I Crying?

Published April 15, 2014 by mssprinkle

I want to be feeling grateful.  I have been reading loads of things about being grateful lately (any Monkees out there?) and I wish my response for this moment was just happy gratitude.  I’m physically okay.  Everybody’s okay.  Here’s what happened….

At 5:29 this morning, one minute before my alarm began to do its thing, I opened my eyes from the most delightful dream!  I love that I remember it.  I can be grateful for that because I often am aware of dreams without really remembering them.  (If you hate it when other people go into detail about their dreams, just skip the rest of this…)  In this dream, I was in a really big, nice, new, very convoluted house, visiting my ex-husband.  In the dream I was conscious of my regular life, just for some reason I was over at this house visiting and helping out – there were other people there, too, besides him, but I think it was his house.  For some reason I was going to take out the trash (why would I do that with him sitting right there, I don’t know…) I took one bag of trash out to the garage, and when I got back to the kitchen the container was full again, and this time it was heavy, but I picked that bagful up and started out again.  Silly man was not only not helping, he was standing in the way.  Instead of getting annoyed at him, I just took a different route, carrying this heavy trashbag full of newspapers and magazines, maybe rejected mail.  I was talking about recycling the whole time!  I started going through other rooms in this house, and there were other people, but ex was also kind of trailing along listening to me talk about recycling, when we went into this one room and there was my daughter, about age 3!  

Now, in real life I am crying again remember it all.  It was amazing.  There was her crazy wild hair and her warm just-woke-up self in her little pajamas – I had forgotten those pajamas, but I remember them now, white, thin, soft things with a snap front.  She loved them and wore them until they were way too little for her.  In the dream they fit.  She was laughing and jumping, and she leaped up onto the bed in this room and said “Mama!” and I just dropped the sack of trash and there were bouncy springy hugs and baby kisses.  She felt so amazing in my arms.  She loved me.  And I opened my eyes and it was 5:29.  Right before the alarm went off.

I never want to forget that.

It think it was a beautiful, painful gift.  I guess being her mama has been kind of like that.  

In case you are new here, my daughter is fine.  She just doesn’t talk to me.  She graduated from college in December and she’s in culinary school now.  I left her Daddy during her sophomore year of college and “Ruined all of Her Christmases and Birthdays for the Rest of Her Life.”  I also kept her from having the Mama Who Jumped Off A Bridge.  Oh well.

I’m so glad I got to see her baby self in that dream this morning.  I’m so glad I remember that in real life it was like that – she did love me and there were lots of days when she hugged and kissed me and was glad to see me.  I’m so glad I have an hour to stop crying before I have to go be civil with anybody.  I’m so glad I have this blog to write about this experience, because I want to remember.  I love being her mama.  I love that I am her mama, even it if makes me cry.  

Still Life

Published April 10, 2014 by mssprinkle

Spring is my busiest and worst time of year.  I am a person who notices anniversaries, and there are some big baddies for me in the Spring.  I am also a public school teacher, and this is the time of year that “THEY” try to kill us with morale-crushing tactics like Tutoring, Testing, and Teacher-Trashing.  This season also includes Lent and Easter, which bring a lot of family baggage and difficult music along with whatever Spiritual and Religious Stuff they might be packing.  There’s something about taxes where you have to look at all your money and DEAL with it.  So from New Year’s to my birthday in May, I pretty much just hang on and try to survive.

This year things have been really, really good!  So good, in fact, that I don’t want to miss it in the furious mad dash that usually constitutes Spring for me.  Not only am I actually noticing birds and flowers, I’m very aware that Spring seems to be being really gentle with me this year.

I have had a few little flurries of contact from my Darling-but-Difficult Daughter.  She’s still not ready for much of a relationship, but I get the feeling she’s thawing.  I am still trying to get used to living in a different part of town, but my ex is looking happy, and my own present living situation is very good.  Those days that mark great losses still came and went, with the lost ones duly noted but not devastatingly so.  I think my lost ones still love me.  I had enough money to pay for help with the taxes and I am still in good standing with Uncle Sam and the bank.  Work is still very hard – we are still on the State’s Bad List (for the second year), but my class size is remarkably small this year and it’s making a shocking difference.  Even though these children are not smarter, less disadvantaged, or better behaved than usual, simply the fact that I have 30% fewer of them means I am not hopelessly drowning.  This year my principal seems to like me, which is unheard of but refreshing!  Extra tutoring at school and extra rehearsals at Church still mean long hours away from home, but The Holy Week Music is even something lovely, with which I am already fairly familiar, so I am singing along happily in Church Choir without too much added stress (UNLIKE last year, which may deserve a whole post of it’s own!).  Most of my friends know they are just not going to see me much this time of year – but the ones I have fleetingly crossed paths with have all remarked on how much less beaten down I appear than is usual for Spring.

I still feel wretchedly insecure at random awful moments.  I am still trying to love friends who are still sick, or away.  Work is still work, and money still kind of scares me.  I realize that I am crowing optimistically with many Spring Challenges still ahead of me.  But I don’t want to fail to note the strange condition of “Not Too Bad.”  I know it could still turn into a “typical” Spring for me.  But the snapshot of my life right this minute is good.  I am still here, and I am still happy.