life

All posts tagged life

Still Life

Published April 10, 2014 by mssprinkle

Spring is my busiest and worst time of year.  I am a person who notices anniversaries, and there are some big baddies for me in the Spring.  I am also a public school teacher, and this is the time of year that “THEY” try to kill us with morale-crushing tactics like Tutoring, Testing, and Teacher-Trashing.  This season also includes Lent and Easter, which bring a lot of family baggage and difficult music along with whatever Spiritual and Religious Stuff they might be packing.  There’s something about taxes where you have to look at all your money and DEAL with it.  So from New Year’s to my birthday in May, I pretty much just hang on and try to survive.

This year things have been really, really good!  So good, in fact, that I don’t want to miss it in the furious mad dash that usually constitutes Spring for me.  Not only am I actually noticing birds and flowers, I’m very aware that Spring seems to be being really gentle with me this year.

I have had a few little flurries of contact from my Darling-but-Difficult Daughter.  She’s still not ready for much of a relationship, but I get the feeling she’s thawing.  I am still trying to get used to living in a different part of town, but my ex is looking happy, and my own present living situation is very good.  Those days that mark great losses still came and went, with the lost ones duly noted but not devastatingly so.  I think my lost ones still love me.  I had enough money to pay for help with the taxes and I am still in good standing with Uncle Sam and the bank.  Work is still very hard – we are still on the State’s Bad List (for the second year), but my class size is remarkably small this year and it’s making a shocking difference.  Even though these children are not smarter, less disadvantaged, or better behaved than usual, simply the fact that I have 30% fewer of them means I am not hopelessly drowning.  This year my principal seems to like me, which is unheard of but refreshing!  Extra tutoring at school and extra rehearsals at Church still mean long hours away from home, but The Holy Week Music is even something lovely, with which I am already fairly familiar, so I am singing along happily in Church Choir without too much added stress (UNLIKE last year, which may deserve a whole post of it’s own!).  Most of my friends know they are just not going to see me much this time of year – but the ones I have fleetingly crossed paths with have all remarked on how much less beaten down I appear than is usual for Spring.

I still feel wretchedly insecure at random awful moments.  I am still trying to love friends who are still sick, or away.  Work is still work, and money still kind of scares me.  I realize that I am crowing optimistically with many Spring Challenges still ahead of me.  But I don’t want to fail to note the strange condition of “Not Too Bad.”  I know it could still turn into a “typical” Spring for me.  But the snapshot of my life right this minute is good.  I am still here, and I am still happy.

 

 

You Can Get There From Here

Published February 14, 2014 by mssprinkle

I live in a town that is jokingly rumored to have been laid out by drunk Indians.

<quick glance around for the politically correct police> GASP Now, I want to say right quick that I am very respectful of Native American culture, and I have a lot of compassion for folks dealing with drinking problems… that’s not really what this post is about, and it IS something Waco people joke about, but not in a mean or hurtful way… sheesh – I know the expression came from back in the day when it wasn’t such a big deal to say stuff like that…)

The truth is there’s no direct way to get anywhere here.  Kind of like there was no clear, concise way to say what I wanted to say in that paragraph right there.  You know what I meant, I know what I meant, there’s just no easy way to actually SAY what I meant without making it worse.

In Waco, you may know exactly where you want to go and not be really certain of the best way to get there.  The former pastor of my church seriously believed that to get ANYWHERE in this town, you simply had to go down Valley Mills Drive.  We have more than 250,000 people!  We are not a two-red-lights kind of place.  Valley Mills is a lovely, big street, but its not really on the way to EVERYWHERE.

My but there are a lot of things in our society that suffer from the same concept – if you want to get ANYWHERE in this life, you simply have to _______________ (fill in the blank here:  maintain this BMI, attain this level of education, make this amount of money, drink this!).  And you know what, nobody is going to try to discourage most folks from a little exercise or going to college.  The problem is when it begins to seem like that’s the ONLY way to get where you want to go.  Chubby girls are worthwhile human beings most of the time.  “Middle” income people wake up happy pretty often.  There are several grocery stores in Waco that aren’t on Valley Mills Drive!  Wow!

Another feature of my fair city is what we call the “spiral.”  We don’t have a loop, we have a spiral, and you kind of have to know how to do it if you want to drive around the outer edges here.  You will not wind up back where you started unless you make a couple of turns and cross back over the river.

Once again, I draw an analogy to life planning.  Your path from where you are to where you want to be may not be a nice, neat little circle.  It may very well be that you have to make a couple of turns and cross the river.  You may have really expected the road you were on to come out at a certain place – marriage, family, job – and there’s a train crossing in front of you with a sign that says “No Outlet” just beyond that.  It’s okay.  Make a turn, look for a landmark, and keep going.

I’ve been reading Barbara Brown Taylor’s book An Altar in the World.  She talks about the potential for finding spiritual practice in a bit of wandering around.  I think she would like Waco.  There are lots of ways to get anyplace in this town.  Maybe not always one BEST way, and you may find yourself off the path you planned, but there are lots and lots of hidden good surprises (We have the best small zoo in the country!  Who knew?!?).  You may run across a few of the odd surprises (don’t act like your town doesn’t have one of those odd old gentlemen who wave to everybody while they just walk all over town smiling and making folks uncomfortable.  You’ve got something like that and you know it).

You can think about the path your life is taking.  Where do you want to go?  You can get there from here.